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writing is hard

by + Alan on January 21st, 2014

…for me right now. Every time I think of something to say, the flood comes – a flash flood of understanding about how what I will say, will affect others, and possibly myself. That may only be longhand for, “I’m pretty afraid to say what I really think for fear of the results.” It may be partly that.

Part of that is “what people think of me,” but only part. I care about that. Don’t you? I wonder about you if you truly don’t.

Fear – fear is part of it. I fear reprisal. I fear negative words thrown at me. I fear interpersonal conflict. I fear ecclesiastical consequences. As much as I’d like to say I’m past that last one, I know that I’m really not. Unfortunate. Fear is a very familiar companion of mine.

I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to say something that will act (and sometimes inevitably our words do) as a weapon toward someone, or any group of people. I can be vague and clever, yes, but I’m also smart enough to realize that as vague and clever as you may be, people still get it when it’s about them.

I want, sometimes still, to say large things, to a large audience. Well, to a small, large audience, if that makes any sense at all. Some idea about myself, though, says that I am no longer qualified to do that – that I have somehow given up my voice. I hope that’s not true.

So, hopefully, I can learn how to be slowly more courageous. Little by little, perhaps I can begin to speak again, to say what is being spoken inside me, to forgo the companionship with fear… slowly… hopefully.

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  1. Hey Mark – thanks for dropping by. Any association between my name and Merton is a good thing. Life and faith can be complicated and rough at times. I always hope I’ll be able to somehow build the blogging habit up again. We shall see. Peace to you.

  2. Mark permalink

    I used to read your blog about six or so years ago. I haven’t much lately and I see that you haven’t written as much as he used to. I found your journey to be interesting. I am currently reading the seven story Mountain by Thomas Merton and it made me think of you again. This particular post of yours is very poignant to me also as I am internalizing the struggles I have with faith and doubt and the implications of owning up to that.

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